What Hurts The Most
by Chibi Tsuki Hikari
Summary: Oneshot Impled One sided HikaKao “Aishiteru Aniki.” Hikaru would never know, and as long as he was happy that was okay with him.


It's funny really, truly and utterly ironic of myself. To be unhappy with my choice.. When I knew it had been the right thing to do. Even though I can't help questioning. I can't help feeling I should have been more selfish about it. In the end it had been him stepping forward out of our world to meet Haruhi and me who chose to stay behind.

Even if it meant me being alone. I ushered him out the safety of our now unlocked gates that had originally held us protectively inside hidden from the world. It's my own fault Hikaru, that our worlds are now two separate places.

Also why you love her and not me…

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Kaoru sat up suddenly on the large emerald silk bedspread, sweat steadily making it's way down his face and chest. Looking over to the bedside table 3:30am glared at him in angry green neon.

Moaning softly he clutched the pillow to his chest seeking comfort from the only other thing on the bed. You see a month ago around the same time Hikaru and Haruhi had been set up on their "date" Hikaru had suggested on separate rooms.

Although it had come as a shock to Kauru, he had not gone against his elder twin's request. Even if he wish he had. His brother's spicy scent had been washed out of the sheets with the first week's wash. After that the younger boy found it very hard to sleep at night ever since.

Opening his soft amber orbs he reached over and pressed the radio button of his alarm clock. Then with a sigh closed his eyes as the next song came on.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

Kaoru tightened his grip on the pillow as hot liquid burned at the edges of his eyes. He didn't want to be in separate beds, or separate worlds. Why did he have to fall for his twin?

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

"I love you Hika-chan..more than I'm supposed to.." He whimpered out a choked sob as he banged the bed with his one fist. Curling into a fetal position sobs shook his frame, "Don't leave me..onigai don't leave me, I don't want to be alone."

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away_

From now on it would always be like this wouldn't it? Hikaru got off the carriage and left him all alone to watch it turn into a pumpkin. After all his brother now had a hime to look after, his Haruhi-hime. As the saying goes three's a crowd. He only had one question, If it had been the right thing to do why did it have to hurt so much?

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

The creaking of the floorboards in the hallway brought Kaoru out of his thoughts. Quickly bringing the covers over his body he hid under them. Trying his best to make his breathing return to normal he waited for the foot steps to fade but they didn't. His door opened slowly making a small stream of light seep into the dark room. Then the voice came that he both loved yet feared to hear.

"Kaoru, are you awake?" Whispered a voice almost identical to his own.

A familiar hand tugged down the covers revealing my tear stained face and fearful doe eyes.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

Amber met amber both were different and conflicting yet interchangeable in the same moment.

"Why are you crying Kaoru?" Hikaru asked sitting down next to his little brother.

"I just h-had a bad dream is all." Kaoru responded hesitantly.

The bed sheets shifted and the younger of the two let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. Two strong arms wrapped around his waist pulling him close to a warm spicy scent Kaoru knew could only belong to Hikaru.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

"Aniki's here now, don't worry." Hikaru murmured as he ran his fingers through his brother's silky ginger hair.

Kaoru's tears dried but unbeknownst to his elder brother they still collected in his eyes. For tonight he'd take advantage of his brother's warmth, his scent, and touch. He rested his head on Hikaru's chest, basking in the heartbeat of his twin. Not wanting to ever let go.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

"No more tears now otouto, I'll chase away the monsters tonight." Stated Hikaru his breath ghosting over the back of Kaoru's neck.

Kaoru shivered some but not from the cold, "Arigato Nii-chan."

_Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do.._

Hikaru soon fell asleep leaving Kaoru awake.

He turned his face upward and watched his mirror sleep, perfect eyelashes twitched with dreams. Beautiful red lips half parted and moist. All in all Hikaru looked like an angel to him. Before he could stop himself he leaned up and briefly touched his lips to the ones above him. New tears spilled down his cheeks, Kaoru pulled away and replaced his head against Hikaru's chest.

"Aishiteru Aniki."

Hikaru would never know, and as long as he was happy that was okay with him.

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Translations:  
Onigai: Please  
Hime: Princess  
Aniki: Older brother  
Nii-chan: Older Brother  
Otouto: Younger brother  
Aishiteru: I love you  
Arigato: Thank you


End file.
